Serial or psychological?

*the following blog was written when I was drunk so I'm sorry in advance.

They say "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", but, as I have said before "we are human, so we forget the bad". Did we forget the bad about our exes' and set our partners up for a fall? In my most serious relationship to date, which ended on horrible terms, I can say that I was bitched around, want of a better expression. However, I still find myself missing my ex. Lucas was abusive, he smoked hash constantly and was rude to my friends/family, yet now, a year on, I catch myself saying things like "Lucas was the best" and "I miss Lucas" even though I've been treated so much better since then and I've rebuilt my self confidence after he broke me down. Is it absence making my heart grow fonder, or is it me setting myself up for a great fall? Do I subconsciously want myself to be hurt in the end?


They say that we all have dating patterns, I wanted to know more. I looked into the dating patterns of a few friends. My friend John, who is always complaining about being single has an ongoing history of hooking up with bi-curious or closeted men who want nothing more than a night of fun. Yet still he doesn't understand why he is single, and blames himself. He says that these men somehow come to him and that he doesn't go looking for the. But are we subconsciously choosing them? Do we get some deep down satisfaction in proving ourselves right in the fact that we are hopeless in love? Or are we just that types type?


Questions can be asked and asked until the cows go home. No one seems to want to dig. Except me!


I found that no matter what John seems to find his way in attracting these men. How? Its simple really. On a night out he disappeared and the next morning he had stories of these men who just wanted a hand job and a feel outside a straight bar. However of he hadn't disappeared from the club we were at he probably wouldn't have run into these men and had an uneventful night out with friends. He still swears that these men find him.


I am no exception. Lucas was Brazilian. To this day whenever I see a Brazilian man I feel a compulsive urge to try and get him to notice me, in hope that he will give me what I need. This is not healthy I know, but we all do it and cereal dating is a problem. My solution was to break the mold, well have my date break the mold really. I found a guy who was gorgeous, funny and smart, but totally different from my ex.


He was polite on our date and had nothing but respect for what I had to say. I found him boring. In my head i was screaming "What is wrong with you?". And still the next day I found myself saying to my friend "He didn't have the sex appeal Lucas had". Wanting to know more I decided it was time to get to the source of my addiction and talk to Lucas. I asked his recent ex, who was also bitched around. He gave me Lucas's best friend, Alex's number. Alex told me, "Lucas is a smart asshole" and gave me his e-mail. The smart asshole never replied.


I figured it out. I like unobtainable, uninterested and uncontrollable men. I was the uptown girl looking for my downtown man. I shook myself up with a whole night of deep thinking and tequila sunrises. And my friends and I came to this conclusion over 2am Mac Donnell's "You will always love the one that got away before his time".


Yes Lucas and I ended on sour terms, but he and I had unfinished business and hadn't tied up all the ends, which left us with the "what if?" theory. In reality we would never have worked out, but in fantasy we were too beautiful to be. I am just happy to say that, unlike John, I am not a cereal dater, I just forgot to tie up my loose ends. The solution to this problem was not as simple as the words from the the drunken lesbian waving her cold burger in my face "Burn it".


Burn what? The past? No. The "What if"'s that plagued my mind. I had to shred them. Because we can never carry on a relationship with the past one in mind, easier said than done. Cereal dater or not we have to realize that the person we are dating now is different and we have to leave our expectations at the door and walk in as fresh as a daisy. And hope they do the same.